So let me take you back about a decade. Life was… messy. Somewhere between juggling kids, keeping it together on the outside, and spiraling on the inside, I found myself diagnosed with severe panic disorder and depression.
Fun times, right?
Cue the prescriptions: Prozac and Xanax. (Side note: I always feel like those names should come with dramatic theme music.) The Prozac didn’t vibe with me at all. After a few weeks, I felt more uneasy than I’d ever felt before — so I quit taking it. The Xanax? That stuff worked too well. I’d take it when I needed to calm down or sleep, and I’m not gonna lie — it helped. But then I noticed something... off.
One night I was laying in bed, jittery and on edge because I hadn’t taken it. I wanted to get up and grab a pill so badly. That’s when I realized what was happening. I was relying on it. And as a mom with kids? That scared me more than any panic attack ever could. I stopped taking it regularly after that night. I didn’t want to go down a road I couldn’t come back from.
What’s wild is that I had never struggled with mental health before. I should’ve seen that as a red flag. But I didn’t. It’s heartbreaking, honestly — realizing someone you loved and trusted could put you through so much that your brain just… breaks.
But here’s where the story takes a turn.
The other day, I had a win.
A real, personal, I-felt-it-in-my-soul kind of win. And let me tell you — those have been few and far between lately.
Since he left, it’s been a financial scramble. I’ve been applying for jobs like it’s my second full-time job, trying to make up for the income that walked out the door. I’ve been scraping by for over a year and a half. (Single-income life is not for the faint of heart, by the way.)
Then — plot twist! — a friend of mine, someone I’ve been writing with since my early days, mentioned her company was hiring a copywriter. I applied. And guess what? They brought me on as a freelance writer!
Now, it’s not a full-time gig yet, but they did say they’re still hiring for that role. So I’m looking at this as my foot-in-the-door moment. My little crack in the wall of “maybe this is how it all changes.”
Of course, life being life, the person who hired me is out for two weeks, and her fill-in is super pregnant and understandably swamped. So I’m over here trying not to refresh my inbox every ten minutes. In the meantime, I’m grading standardized tests to keep some cash coming in. (Because bills don’t care about your dream job timeline, unfortunately.)
Oh, and the company I normally work with? We just lost a major client. Possibly two. So this new writing gig? Let’s just say it showed up right on time.
I’ve been praying. Hoping. Whispering little wishes to the universe like, “Hey… I could really use a break here.”
If I’m being brutally honest, finances were one of the big reasons I didn’t leave sooner. Trying to survive on one income is no joke. It’s skipping over that cute shirt you like because your kid needs $20 for something again. It’s saying “no” to yourself over and over until you forget what “yes” even feels like.
But if this job becomes permanent? Everything changes. It would mean stability. It would mean freedom. It would prove I never needed him to begin with. And maybe — just maybe — I could buy myself something just because. Maybe fix up the house. Maybe breathe.
But anyway — back to the win.
I felt it. That little surge of finally. That flicker of “maybe I’m not stuck anymore.” And yeah, I’ll admit it — it has felt good seeing him flounder. Not because I wish him harm, but because for so long I was the one paying for his bad decisions. And now? He gets to face them. I get to start again.
That tiny win gave me something I hadn’t felt in a long time: hope.
If your daily life feels like a never-ending uphill battle, maybe it’s time to stop and ask yourself — “Am I on the right path?” Because I’m starting to believe that constant struggle isn’t a badge of honor. It’s a red flashing sign that something needs to change.
Einstein once said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” I get it now. If you're feeling nervous and scared about trying something new, that probably means it’s exactly what you need to do.
So jump. Headfirst. Scared and shaking if you have to.
You never know what’s waiting on the other side of that leap.
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